{ Stages of Confidence }

WARNING, WARNING...This is a long one...look away if you dare, but read on if you like...

It's kind of a random title for a post, but let me explain...
Like most of you out there, I've got a lot going on - parenthood, wifehood, business ownerhood, renovating my hood... There used to be a time not so very long ago when I could stay up till 3am working on a college project or hanging out with friends, but these days getting up once for a 3am baby-feeding almost kills me - yes, and you too Jeremy. :) You all know what I'm talking about...my 20s was all about going full blast through my day on 2 hours of sleep and a tub 'o caffiene product and feeling the adrenaline rush...now in my (late) 30s, 2 hours of sleep means I get to a red light in Downtown Dallas and wonder how and when I got there cause I don't remember the entire drive...OR if I remembered to brush my teeth and put on deodorant before I walked out the door! (And hopefully the garage door is closed too...hmmmmm) Makes me wonder what the heck my 40s are gonna be like?!

With each year and with each stage in my life or experience I've encountered...I've changed. I've always been a cautious person; look both ways, check my mirrors, etc., but some things I've become less cautious about in life. Like what people think about me or speaking my mind or being more blogger-transparent. However, in some ways I've changed for the worse...like self-confidence. OK - this is not going to be a pity party, just a confession. Whenever you start something new and things aren't moving as quickly as you think they should...you start to think..."Hmmmmm, what's wrong with me?", "I must be doing something wrong.", "I thought I was more likeable." At least I do. Your confidence takes little hits here and there until pretty soon you realize you've got quite a lot of self-inflicted, Dana-sized, self-image dents.

That's where I am. I'm SO patient when shooting little bitty babies that won't sleep when those brand new parents want them to or with those adorable 2 year olds that have a hard time opening up because of their ingrained 'stranger-danger' phase...but I am so IMpatient when it comes to my own life! Good grief; I need to give myself a break!

So over the last week I really started to think about the word 'confidence'. What can I do to NOT let others, technology or situations intimidate me. After all, I'm really a pretty outgoing and funny person. Those who come in contact with me generally know in 5 minutes the true me - you can read it all over me in permanent marker so my mom says...AND that I like to laugh, joke, cut up...and yes, sometimes cry easily. So I think it all boils down to this stage in my life of starting a new business and being in a spot where I really haven't been before - unsure of myself as a professional and where exactly this road will take me. I know there are fellow photographers out there who know TONS more than me on the technology front, all the jargon and lingo, all of the connections and all about the best products and vendors. BUT, not all of them are me. I have alot to offer too - like a talent for seeing great images of people, families and kids and making them happen! I'm not successful 100% of the time, but I'm OK with that.

I saw a question this week on another blog: How much talent do you think has been wasted from a lack of confidence?

Dude! Good question! If it is something you feel you have the talent for; if it is something you really want to do; if it is something that makes you happy all the way down to your toes; if you feel it is your passion...why are you letting foolish ideas about yourself get in the way?!

One day my husband told me, ”I looked back at some of your images when you first got started and...blah, blah, blah...You’re a lot better now.”

Well, at first I was offended...you know, sometimes boys don’t express themselves well to hormonally induced, post-pardom, sleep-deprived mamas. So one day, in my secret place, accompanied by a large amount of chocolate and Dr Pepper to feed my sorrow...I discovered he was right! And it was a GOOD thing! It meant I had grown, learned and changed...for the better! I'm still learning every day. And when I make mistakes or don't quite get the picture I saw in my noggin...I give myself a break, chat up the mistake, try again and learn from it in the process. OK - maybe it's not that Dr. Phil-like for me ALL the time, and maybe I kick myself in the tukis a few times, but I know God gave me an eye for making people happy with my camera, and it's up to me to remember that God will bless me if I honor Him with my words and actions, trust Him with my business, give Him praise for the failures AND successes, and learn everything I can at this particular stage in my life...cause before you know it, this stage will be over and I'll be 40! CRUD...:)

So what's holding you back? I know what's held ME back...but tomorrow is another day!
And here's my beautiful Emma at her almost 4 year old, fighting the cheesy fake smile stage in life. We finally got past cheese and she gave me her best FIERCE...rawr!! Is she not the prettiest little girl you ever laid your peepers on?!

{ Q&A: Who do YOU read? }

So I kind of pride myself on being a 'Blog Stalker'...I know, I know, there's probably some Anon group for it, but I want no part of it! These are the people that inspire me, who I log on in the wee hours for or click on in between edits for a break...though they don't know it. Here's the who and the why...

Jasmine Star...I found her about a year ago, and I'm hooked! She is true, forthcoming, funny and an educator. She is what 'cool' wants to be and what 'hip' only dreams about. I know that whenever I read a post, I will laugh (at least once) outloud (probably spew something from my nasal cavity) and learn something about photography in the process.

Amy Wenzel and her husband, David Wenzel...When I read their blogs, my soul is uplifted. Their devotion, praise and honesty with and about Christ is where I want to be too. They are my daily slap in the face via God.

Zack Arias...His little video critique rants have literally made me cry-laugh - I still giggle about elbow boobies. If you haven't seen his critiques, I swear, you will laugh too. Plus, he makes me look at my images and go..."Hmmmmmm." (Then usually followed by..."CRUD!") :)

Crash Taylor...This is a site where photographers from literally all over the world post an image and tell you how they did it. OK, not that I'm going to take some rad and funky fashionista photo, but it's way cool to see what someone in Sweden is shooting! Right?

Jared Rey...This guy's on the local side, and I just love his style - funky, fresh and a little reminiscent. I also like the fact that he too shares his knowlegde with others...Not so we can copy, but so we can experiment! Love, love, love his Before & After segments...

Marie Q...On the really local side, I read her blog because I think her images are just pretty, soft and sweet. I'm sure I have just violated some form of ettiquette on complimenting the right-up-the-street competition, but it's already out there...so THERE! Plus, I don't like the word 'competition'...I prefer to think of it as healthy motivation! Who knows? Maybe one day we'll think of each other as professional friends...? :)

SO...Who do YOU read?

And here's one for the road...HAPPY SPRING Ya'll!

{ letting go }

I never expected that the past 8 weeks of maternity leave would teach me so much, but it all came together for me at a little 4yo’s birthday party at Chuck E Cheese…of all places!

If you haven’t been, you can count yourselves as one of the few (and maybe blessed) people to have never entered this childhood ‘paradise’. But Chuck E Cheese, even in all of its glory, can be slightly overwhelming, especially to the 3yo rookie. It is a virtual celebration of visual stimulation – the lights, the bells, the noises, the kids…and yes, the parents. Each adult trying to keep a visual reign on their kid ‘at all times’ is absolutely hysterical at times! You Chuck E veterans know what I'm talking about!

So when my Emma arrived at the party, I don’t think she really knew what to do with herself. After all, she had never experienced mayhem before. I could barely get her off of my leg. Even when she recognized her friends, it took much encouragement, prodding, hand-holding and bribery to get her to even sit at the table and eat! I began to feel anxious for her – I wanted her to have fun, but I knew I wouldn’t get her to let go if I didn’t make the adventure seem worthwhile. So I stayed with her. I kept telling her it would be OK; I kept telling her I didn’t want her to miss the fun; I even ate a piece of grody pizza to prove that she could do it - she could have fun. THEN…that life-sized darn mouse arrived, dancing around and acting well, pretty creepy...:) But, despite the mental 5-steps back damage that stinkin' rodent caused...once again, I encouraged. Eventually, she began to let herself go and not worry so much. Soon she was dancing up on the stage like a little super-freak with her friends. She opened up; she had fun; she played more and worried less.

That’s what I’ve learned in these 8 weeks – play more, worry less! Now, I’m not trying to use my blog to sound all preachy, but when you discover something and you feel led to share…you had better share it or as my aunt would say…”You just may be robbing someone of the blessing.” In this case, my sharing blesses me too as much as it may bless whoever reads my rantings...that’s why I’ve been sharing more.

There is a lot I could worry about this year. A baby who will be starting day care in 4 days…an almost 4yo who will start kindergarten before I know it…electrical and plumbing issues at home…hospital bills to be paid…and my business. AAAAHHHHH…the business. Beginning April 1 I will be going part-time at my ‘regular job’ in Dallas which will hopefully allow more options for me and my new venture. This is a huge step for me. I’m trying to learn how to market my fledgling business, I'm praying for business people and photography mentors who I can ask questions of, AND I'm trying to make sure I balance home and hobby. I’m praying a lot, crying a little (OK, maybe a lot) and trying my darndest to trust the Lord that I can help support my family with this talent because God cares about me and calls me His “Beloved”. I’m not sure how all of that will happen; I’m not sure of the exact game plan and sometimes I admit I feel unworthy...stepping out on faith when there are bills to pay is definitely not an easy thing for me to say or do. My dad recently told me, “If He gives you the talent He will give you the opportunity.” So at the moment I’m looking around like a hawk on the prowl for those opportunities…but most of all, I’m learning to let go.

Everyone starts off nervous and anxious, but after a bit, you settle in and enjoy the ride. Emma was scared in the beginning, just like I am at this moment, but by the end of the party she took hold of the reigns and yelled “Woo Hoooo”! Press Play :)

{ Band Aids & Bruises }

This post started out as a plug for how great canvases are since some clients had asked AND yes, it seems like quite an investment, so you want to make sure that you like what you get. Well, it IS a kudos for canvases, but this post also became a reflection on this image…

Penny was my husband's dog all throughout college at Texas A&M where we met and fell in love...but I probably dated him as much for his dog as his humor and good looks...:) I loved this little four-legged creature! If you knew her, she was absolutely unique! She was a pistol of personality and stubbornness...and I probably shouldn't mention that she loved chicken wings. But there is NO doubt that the thing that defined Penny the most was her bark...not really a bark, but a trill. It was the most unique thing I have ever heard, and I still can't describe it, but I can certainly still hear it. It was her voice and she used it the most when she was overcome with joy and excitement...and doggedness.

Then...Jeremy and I got married and we all joked that if the church would allow it, she would walk us down the aisle! Although the church was not so lucky as to get that opportunity, we DID move to Dallas where we both continued to work in veterinary medicine until life took Jeremy into research and me into motherhood.

With all of the joys that come with parenthood, Penny was a part of that joy - she was thrilled with Emma! Penny spent many sleepless nights with us as we paced the floor, and gave Emma spit baths when we weren’t looking…:) When Em began to crawl and walk, Penny was the ultimate in patience; she never put up a fight. Where some pets struggle with change and develop into behavioral nightmares, Penny loved her new role. Emma could pull her hair, squeeze her neck and lay on her like a hairy body pillow. She was our four-legged little mama.

So when we found out she had diabetes, we didn’t hesitate in treating her. She endured many pokes and proddings, injections and test, but she hung in there for over a year. Then cancer came… She was so stoic and took everything in stride. Over the next several weeks, we knew we would have to make a decision, but as long as she was comfortable for the moment, the decision seemed down the road instead of around the corner.

Then, on Sunday, July 5, 2008 I told Jeremy that instead of church that day, we were going on a play date. It was something I had been meaning to do, but just had never made the time…one of those ”I’ll do that next week.” kind of thing…ya know. So we all got dressed and took Penny and Emma to one of my favorite little spots in Downtown Waxahachie and as always, my camera came too. I didn’t know at the time how much it would mean to me, but looking back, it was one of my life’s top 10 moments. We all spent about 2 hours talking, playing and snapping magical photos.

Penny spent most of that afternoon in restless sleep and trying to get comfortable; that night wasn’t much better. By the time we got home Monday afternoon, she was struggling to walk and had no interest in food…which for Penny, was definitely a sign. After a long talk with a dear veterinarian and friend, we made the decision to say goodbye that night to our wonderful Penny. We were all heartbroken…even our extended family was devastated – she was after all, a member of our family.

I spent the next couple of days editing images from our last little play session together, and upon careful glance, I noticed all of the little scratches, bumps and bruises on Miss Emma. She was in the “I fall down for any and everything” phase, and I probably wouldn’t have held a session if I had been in my ‘right normal mind’. I would have waited for them to heal. Then I noticed something else…the Band Aids. Em was also going through a Band Aid phase. Even if there wasn’t a boo-boo, she had to wear Band Aids. It was just part of her accessorizing I guess. Sometimes 2, sometimes 20, but there was always a Band Aid on her somewhere! I thought about editing them out, and then I decided against it. The Band Aids were part of those little things that made the images so special to me and remembering them both, Penny and Emma, like they were on THAT day – unedited.

I didn’t know that we would be putting Penny to sleep the very next day, but if I had waited on Band Aids and bruises to mend, I would have missed the magic. So that’s how I want to live my life now, not caring about the little scratches and bumps…not waiting to lose that 10 extra pounds…not postponing something until my hair looks just right – all of those little imperfections are the stuff life is made of! And if we were all perfect, there would certainly be no need for Jesus and His salvation!

So – don’t wait, take out your camera, today, tomorrow…or have a session with me, with those you love…and snap away! Don’t spend life regretting that you missed the magic because of some little Band Aids!

And in case you’re wondering – you can see a wonderful PHOTOSHOW from Penny & Emma’s session by clicking HERE

The canvas (below) was thoughtfully chosen by me and Em for Father’s Day 2009…and it’s an investment we haven’t regretted anything about…ever! :)

{ The Cone-Headed Snow Walrus w/Angry Eyes }

That's what this little snow man reminds me of...I've got nothing else to say except...I'm still giggling! :)
Only in Texas can it be 70 one day and record breaking snow the next!!!



This last one is NOT mom approved...lack of coat and gloves = Poppy's dead when he get in! :)

( Flip Flops & Halter Tops }

When you have a baby born in May and then one in January...the hand-me-downs just don't jive! It's 30 degrees in Texas, granted tomorrow it may be 70, but for now all of those cute flip flops and halter tops from Miss Emma will remain boxed. :(
However, there's one second-hand dress that just begged to be set free from the moth balls! SO, with the thermostat set at 90 (which I'm SURE my wonderful husband will love to hear :)), I snapped a few in honor of the sweet dress from big sis...in her big girl room...on her big girl bed...
These images are the reason I love having baby sessions on their home turf; everyone is comfortable, the possibilities are endless and each and every session is unique!!!

PS - Also...if you've had a prior session with me, and don't mind taking a few minutes to go to http://www.google.com/ (Tin Star Photography, Waxahachie TX) and write a review... I'm giving away a complimentary 5x7 with any 2010 Session to the first 10 people to give a shot out for Tin Star!

{ Something about fingers & toes... }

Makes me smile! Especially the itty bitty kind!
I think it's about all of the great adventures and places they will carry these little ones. About all of the stories they will encounter and even struggles they will overcome. I can't wait to be a part of their story!



And...in case anyone doubted the mothering instinct of my first born...here's proof...:)


~BLESSINGS!~

{ Reminders }

When I have tough days as a mom...like today...I pray that the Lord reminds me of how I love to take naps on Sunday afternoons with my Emma...or how her hair smells like strawberries...or how her breathing is soft and small when she sleeps.
Help me remember all of the sweet things she says to me like "I love you so, so much!" and tells me how beautiful I am even when I don't feel like it.
Don't let me forget that she loves everything pink, princess, frilly and sparkly.
I hope my mind never loses the images of the funny expressions she makes when she doesn't understand one of my grandmother's sayings or thinks butternut squash tastes like posion.
She is the most beautiful, wonderful and sweetest thing in my life. Lord, help me remember...lest I forget...for time goes by too quickly...and they change so much...in the blink of an eye...and one day soon, I'm gonna miss those Sunday afternoon naps...

{ I can do everything... }

...through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Written by a man who knew what it was like to be beaten, stoned, chained, hungry, outcast, persecuted and taken to the edge of town and left for dead...and yet he counted his chains as pure joy because he could testify about the One who gave him strength and salvation! That's my hope for this year...not for the stones and chains per se...but that when they come, I will count them as pure joy. That I will relish in the hard times and bathe in the learning. That like Paul, I can/will learn the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want (Philippians 4:12b)...whether I am a frustrated mama or tired wife...whether I know the game plan or am totally clueless...whether I have a slow business day or have too many clients to count in one day! I will learn to be content and praise the chains because they are there for a reason.

This was a weekend of firsts ~ Emma went out for her first big girl bike ride in the park...screaming "WOO HOO...Come on Poppy...one more time!" She could have been afraid; she could have been hesitant; she wasn't...she was fearless! She can do ALL things! That's what I pray she remembers throughout her life...to be fearless in her faith and life!

It was also a weekend of firsts for Audrey ~ first bath, first Dr visit and first big church service. That's where I was reminded by our totally cool but balding pastor that I can do all things, and where I was reminded what I want to instill in my children, my marriage, my business and my life. I may not HAVE it all, but I can DO it all! :)

So this year many decisions lie ahead. Some things I already know the answers to, some I don't. What I do know is that God provides so much more abundantly than I could ever dream if I leave it completely up to Him. So that's what I'm doing! This year will be about expressing my faith more...on this blog, in my photography, with my family and with my whole being. It will be about trusting more and second-guessing less; giving back to my family and the community; worrying more what God thinks about things than what others may think about me.

The desire of my heart for 2010 is that I grow and learn by leaps and bounds through my photography and that God will flourish my business and people will be blessed! I hope you will be a part of it...join me on the journey!

So no matter your struggle today...job, home, health...know that YOU can do all things!

{ audrey jane }

Audrey Jane...I can't believe she's here already...it is all so surreal...the entire pregnancy is all a blur in the rearview and many joys and challenges lie ahead, BUT one thing I CAN believe in is how blessed I am ~ Blessed to have a family that loves and prayes for me and my family daily...blessed to have been bonded for life with an awesome partner, friend and father...blessed to have the smartest and most precious 3 yr old E.V.E.R....and blessed again with my little Audrey.

My worries about how can you love the second child as much as you love the first were all washed away in one glance - your heart automatically leaps and expands beyond your comprehension; it is utterly inexplicable! I am sure within my heart of hearts it is the perfect example of how God can love ALL of His sheep equally and not one more than the other. What an awesome and overwhelming feeling!

Now that's not to say that I don't worry for each of my girl's safety every day - or for their health, well-being, happiness, self-esteem, etc. etc. etc. or that Emma knows that I love and adore her as much as Audrey and vice versa...I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't, but like the old song says...

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

I want to shout it from the hills...Thanks be to God! I am so blessed!

{ Tick Check! }

It's been FOREVER since we've had pictures of my own family taken...usually it's some version of 2 of us instead of all 3 of us...so when I decided that FOREVER was just too long and we were going to head to our local park and take pictures before the new mini Perkins arrived, I NEVER guessed that 40 degree weather was still prime time for TICKS! Arrrrggggggg....
Yes, ticks!

We had almost finished the session because our photographer (ME)...was pooped from running back and forth to set the timer on the camera...when all of a sudden, as my awesome husband was trying to take a rare picture of me, I looked down, freaked out, and all I could say was "Tick, tick, tick...waaaaahhhhh"

OK - I was a veterniary nurse for 16 years, and these are the kinds of little parasites I had developed a 'thick skin' for...but when you are pregnant, the only thing you think is...BLOOD SUCKING DISEASE!!! So after J firmed up his grip on the camera, calmed me down, threw the tick to infinity...I proceeded to tick check everyone and everything! If I myself could have stripped down to nothing and harmed none of the passers by's eyes...I would have, but I didn't want to subject poor souls to that preggo horror just before dinner. So, even though I still at times have flashbacks and can feel ticks creeping all over me, AND I just know I've brought them home and they are waiting to perpetrate their nastiness when I least expect it...I will remain calm...with my tweasers and a Red Bull in the wings!

PS - My husband thinks its hysterical that my new ring tone for his phone is "I'd Like to Check You for Ticks" (Brad Paisley)...he's SUCH a comedian! Instead of making jokes, I think he should talk to Santa about getting me a wireless remote so I can ditch the timer thingy! What do you think? :)


More to come...:)
~BLESSINGS!~

{ Teaser...:) }

Just a peek of a Saturday session w/the Perkins...

{ Believe }

We had to ditch our fam pics yesterday cause the weather was just too...well, Texas...:) So, you know kids...after mentioning 'pictures on Saturday' all week to Emma...she just didn't want to let the idea go! At 9pm last night, after pizza, Rudolph...and a bath to wash off the kid-germs...we went into the Studio Room last night and I caught THIS!

It says so much about little kids at Christmas...wonder, amazement, belief, curiosity. It's definitely one of my Em Favs...whadaya think?!

~BELIEVE!~

{ Saying goodbye...:( }

I think I'll miss you more than either of us will know...

{ Identity... }

I am bummed to announce that my poor sessions were rained out Saturday, so this coming weekend will be busy, busy, busy! And since I don't have any previews to post, I thought I would take just a brief business blog time-out...

The baby's room is now gutted, thanks to the super industrious (and now REALLY sore) J on Saturday. And when I say gutted, that's what I mean...no carpet, no popcorn ceilings, no trim, no nothing! It's a designers dream pallet! Rennovations will begin soon and before/after pics are a must...including images of Emma's new princess haven!

However, before proceeding further on all of those little details that in the end don't really matter much to a newborn...she must have an identity other than "It's a Girl Perkins." Baby Perkins #2, who will make her debut on or somewhere around January 16, 2010 (Lord and mama willing) will now be known as...



Story behind the story: Both J and I are very traditional people, but these names weren't chosen because they were 'in the family' since Ellis Island ~ J chose 'Audrey' (as in Hepburn)...and I chose 'Jane' (as in Austen) who is the classic author of one of my favorite books "Emma"...go figure...;) (The image above is also just a hint of the baby's beautiful 'south wing' of the once again demolished Perkins house!)

{ We're Outta Here! }

...for a much needed vacation! Outer Banks, NC...get ready, cause The Perkins are coming...and Emma's coming with us! :)